Sometimes I am scared shitless.
What am I thinking moving to a metropolitan area? I feel like I can't. Like I'll be swallowed whole, eaten alive. Lost. I'm scared about all the solitary decisions I'm making. I am deciding for myself. It's scary as all get out sometimes. I have never done this before. I never truly realized how much of a foundation my husband was.
Other times. I know it is possible. I trust myself. And I know that there are good people everywhere you go. There is lots of fresh air in CO. There are reading specialists, runners, triathletes, bikers... people like me. I have a job, I have my sister, I have a support network. I'll land on my feet...
Churning with these thoughts, I blow past the turn to meet up with my new-found (yep, just before the move) time trial group. I daydream way too much. Thankfully, a friend phones and pulls my head out of the clouds with solid directions. I arrive on time for the start.
Then I find myself out on the bike. Time trialing down a country road in the middle of nowhere-Wisconsin. Blazing away at the biker in front of me, burning my quads to stay on his wheel. Down that country road on a sunny night it comes to me that I should race. I should race and race and race. Because it boils me down to my essence. I can't help but race. I see him and I have to, have to - no questions asked - burn my lungs chasing him. It isn't a conscious choice. It just is. The drive takes over and I thrive. I come alive, more in tune with myself but paradoxically less self-obsessed than at any other time I draw breath.
And I'm drawing a lot. I heave. I pass him. He passes me. I pass him back. Finally he sling-shots ahead of me and I know that I will not catch him again. "Fucker," I say to myself (the potty mouth comes with the competition). To him, I say, "Nice ride."
On the ride home I think: this decision is easy. It is crying to be made. I know where I fit. I have looked around enough to know what I want and what I'm good at. Professionally, I am a middle school reading specialist. Period. It's where I fit. Athletically? I am a fighter, a warrior - a competitor. It's where I fit.
With my newfound insight, I wanna run out and register for every race and run, race hard. But. I have been working out, not training. There is a critical difference. Grr. Time will be a trial to impatient me.
I rein myself in and get reasonable. I plan. I have a rather large move to accomplish and lotso travel plans. This summer is booked. This will be a building season. I will continue to work out, and I will hone the vision. Gradually my workouts will give way to training as I decide what the big show will be.
I am ready for something big in '09. I am ready to focus, to look neither right nor left. Next year, I am going to do triathlon. After two rather lackadaisical seasons post-Ironman, I am ready to compete.
Tonight's total Time Trial including the ride to the rendezvous point and back lasted 1 hour, 45 minutes.
Its impact? Only time will tell.
4 comments:
YO! Thanks for the "link love!"
Plenty of great races to choose from here. You'll be ready in no time!
P.S. I thought your hike was near my neck of the woods; it's more south. Equally as stunning though. Welcome :)
You're in the middle of a different kind of race this season. Like the competition of running, biking, and swimming makes you more in tune with yourself...I think this journey will tap into some strengths you didn't know you had, and you'll experience a self-discovery that only happens when you're on that trail or open road by yourself.
You have much support of family and friends rooting for you along the way, too :)
Oh, and gotta love the potty mouth that comes with competiton!!
I'm somewhat envious of your last two seasons away from triathlon. Here, a few weeks out from Racine, I wished I had done the same to tell the truth -- to back off enough to find that fire again. It's a good thing...and for you, '09 is going to be a great year.
Oh man, I've been away to long and wish I'd been here to watch your process and offer words of calm as you embark on the road I just traveled myself. It's incredible how much that other person can ground you, for better or worse. Trust your decisions, you know yourself best, in the end, you always have the power and ability to change your mind. So there can be no wrong decisions... just side trips. The world is yours!!!
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