Crash, Bonk, Bang - Damn

I did not crash on the bike. I did not bonk on the run. But I'm doing so now. Discontinue reading now if you want to avoid a whole lot of self-pity cuz here it comes...

What do I do now??? I look at myself and see a junkie. I function fine all day at school but then I come home and in the hours that I used to train, I now surf other people's tri blogs. It's bad. I make lists that never get done. The first few nights I thought, hey, OK, I'll kick back a little bit. But it's Friday night now! I need to get on with my life. I am so sad that I didn't sign up for IM Wisconsin in 2007. I had promised myself, my husband, my job that this would be a once-in-a-lifetime distance for me and now that it's done... I'm bereft.

I really need to think this through. I can't just do a knee-jerk, run out and sign up for another IM. I entertain thoughts of somehow scraping up the cash for a community fund slot - on a teacher's salary! (Sometimes I do have a fair sense of humor.) I know that's not possible, but I do need to really evaluate; could I do another one, at another location? What are the hurdles?

• Promise to husband: Taken care of. He's given his blessing on another one. He saw me at mile 23 on Sunday.
• Promise to job: Last year, I had to say "no" to so many things because my training schedule just wouldn't allow me to participate in the afterschool activities that presented themselves. BUT, now that this year is underway, I see that I've been provided with the perfect opportunity to continue training at the level I did last year. I have some "extra" time for administrative tasks that I used to do last year on my own time. Implication? I can get my schoolwork done or nearly done during school hours, have time to do some of the extra-curricular stuff, and train.
• Promise to self. Ooh, that's where the rubber hits the road. In Promise to Self, I have categories...

1) Can I do another IM? Would my knees tolerate it? I've been medication-free now since Sunday and my knees feel great. I really haven't done anything to test them - and I won't for awhile because my ankle is swollen - but still, it's a good sign that they're OK now.

2) Will I resent myself for inflicting another round of such LONG training sessions on myself? That one is so hard to call. There were times when I absolutely loved my training and times when I didn't. Now, of course, in retrospect, it all looks like it was rosy fun. Yet, I know of at least one occasion when I told my husband that it would be great to just go out and make up a workout as I went, not have it written in stone 3 months in advance and compulsory.

3) Then, I wonder, will it mean enough to me? I really wanted this Ironman. Will #2 be as special? Will I give it my all? I refuse to sign up and then end up losing heart and doing a half-ass job of it. It's all or nothing. Do I have the grit/the drive/the desire to do this again? How can I ever know that? That today's desire will last me through 5 months of training with a big ol' race at the end?

4) The Guilt. Training for IM took a serious amount of time. I had to sacrifice on family time and, really, mental energy. I know I was less present, less patient than I wished to be at times. Now, some of that is just plain old character flaw, but some of it was a direct result of being tired. Yet, on the flip side, at other times, I was nicer to be around because I was generally happy. Hmmm... another one that's pretty difficult to quantify.

5) I know that I told myself that once IM was done, I would branch out -pick up my guitar again, read more, be more involved with my nephews and afterschool programs. If I give this empty ache some time and restrain my urge to sign up, will those interests seep into the cracks? ("NO!!!" the Iron Inside is yelling. "They could never replace me!")

The gauntlet has been dropped.