In the pink dusky light of last night's hike, I realized what I had been reaching for all day. And that it was a metaphor for how I've been living. Clawing to push aside the cobwebs that cloak me. All day, I had been longing to take pictures of the hike, but the light just wasn't right.
All this week, I have been longing to feel good, pushing myself to keep acting the part, grasping for thankfulness, gratitude, warmth. Cursing my perversity when they wouldn't come.
Then, finally, after a full day of hiking, the pink light began and I captured it. It is patience, it is biding, the opposite of straining and surging. Some things need to come of their own volition. Some things need to be endured, lived through, and then the appreciation of the pink light is all the keener.
I am a shallow pool, like my mother. I look so inviting on the outside. You can dive into this smiley, friendly teacher. My fond 5th graders hug me and tell me their stories and cling to me. And I hug back and comment and encourage. But, as I now understand my mother, the hugs become cloying, the comments and encouragement grow stale and rehearsed. I feel a need to cleanse myself in the cool, deep pool and I swim until I am free. As I wished for my mother when I was a girl, I wish for me now; I wish I were deeper.
I am irascible like my father, I am SAD like my Sweet Sister. I am obdurate like my Strong Sister.
Yet I love all these people. Can I love myself?
1 comment:
TT,
I said I was done for the night. But sorry, I couldn't help myself.
I hope I don't dredge up old painful memories.
Or is that why you started writing again?
This was such a heartfelt post. You are definitely a seeker, like me.
Oh, TT. And you are soooooooooo wrong. You are not shallow.
Sometimes, the rare bird doesn't see it's own plumage.
I shouldn't post this in public. I am trusting that because it's an older post, it's just you and me.
I've been reading you from Oct and Nov. We have a lot to talk about.
I'll save more for back channel.
M-
PS: I can't believe you didn't get a comment on this. That had to be depressing on top of what you were going through.
Better late than never.
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