I'm not ready to declare victory yet. But I have moments. Where I catch myself breathing freely, where the hollowness doesn't supersede all else, where I feel almost... free, light, hopeful, and excited. And not just in the tearing way that wants to prove them wrong, but in a healthy way that invests in me.
When I can string together enough of these moments, I will not only imagine the possibilities, but I will make a decision.
It will be like coming out of an illness. That euphoria that you feel just being free from pain. It will be like when I woke up one day and realized that I had kicked my eating disorder. That my first thought of the day wasn't about calories and food. It will be freedom from obsession.
I feel where I am tonight, and I believe: it will come.
10 comments:
It's not in the declaration, or even the moment right before, that we win. It's in the day to day fight.
Keep it up. Whatever you're talking about.
-jwm
Because I've been following your blog for a while, I believe I know exactly what you're talking about...
and let me just say...
you WILL get to that day when everything is okay.
it takes a long time, but yes... one day you wake up and you think about the book you're readying instead of him. and then one day you realize you haven't thought about him in weeks and haven't talked in months.
and you smile.
ps- what I was trying to say... it happens gradually... but then, all at once.
I've had my share of obsessions, not just with food. Your words capture the feelings so well.
It was a "little bit at a time" kind of healing for me. When I finally let go, it occurred to me that I had done the best I knew how during those yucky times. It was like I couldn't see the forest for the trees when I was in it.
I'm glad things are going better for you. Celebrate the small victories along the way :)
The Curly One hit the nail on the head.
Thank you for your eloquent comments, you three. :)
-TT
I like hopeful posts like this one, knowing what I know. And knowing what you now know too. Thanks for letting those of us who've been worried that our triteacher is going to be OK afterall.
Stay strong TT, like a new day brings new hopes, new dreams, and a new day to go forward.
Glad your still making those steps forward.
You're a goddess.
I'm sending all of my powerful it's going to be light, and sweet, and better vibrations your way.
I've been there...or am still there every now and then. But Curly Su is right. Keeping you in my thoughts until that day comes...
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