When You're in Last Place

When you're in last place, so many thoughts go through your head...

Why did I ever sign up to train with Strong and Stronger? They're so much better than me!

They're talking. How can they be freaking talking??

They suggest that the must-haves for training rides are Kleenex and chapstick. When would I have time to apply lip balm? Use Kleenex? I would have to redirect energy from breathing in order to extract the Kleenex. Use breath to blow my nose? Never! 

Take in solid nutrition on the ride? See above.

Mantra: I will get stronger. 

Whimper: I will get stronger. Lookout Mountain is so long. Were there this many switchbacks last time? 

What's with my lower back and butt muscles? My strong, flexible hip flexors are tight and in full-refusal mode.

Breathe. Keep a steady cadence. Back and butt in unison: No! Stuff your steady cadence. 

Maybe if I stretch. I arch my back, then stand up on the pedals to release tension. Breathe into that area. 

Ha. Steady cadence for thirty strokes. Maybe I fixed it!

Are those people passing me on mountain bikes?? Yes, they are. Oh my god. Brené was right. Comparison is the death of happiness.

I want survival. If I survive this, I will require nothing of myself when I get home. My bed.

My bed!

Don't let yourself burp too deep. Oh nausea. My foe. 

And then I am - hallelujah, forever later - at the top. And I can stop. I unfurl my back. I see Strong and Stronger. They have ridden well. We compare notes. They are so nice to me, brainstorming to solve my pain, saying they've been nauseous on this ride, maybe I am not a sucky weakling, but rather am feeling crummy because of my second vaccination shot. What lifts my spirits most is the reassurance that there's not much more uphill left on this ride. 

Eat? No. My stomach flips at the thought of it.

I struggled through and made it back to the parking lot and my beautiful, beautiful car. An hour later, I was in my even more beautiful, luxurious bed.

The ride totaled 42.95 miles with 2987 feet of gain. I affectionately titled it "Lookout 43 Barf" on my GPS. I will get stronger. I believe that. It's just gonna be some painful miles between here and there. Gulp.