The Space

"Open Heart" and "The Space." I see a pattern in my blog posts. Or am trying to see. My parents are elderly and their health is failing. My mom is in constant pain and my dad is losing his sight. It is hard to see them suffer. I carry it with me and wish I could really carry it - take it from them and put it on me. Or at least a measure of it. But that is not possible. So what is there? 

I think... holding a space for them. Holding a space where my mom, strong fighter that she is, can keep working at her sewing machine and talk about the pain and accept my hands massaging her neck as she wishes. She is so tough and so resilient. She has determined to be so. Lord knows where she gets that inner drive. Well, actually, Lord does know. She is very much a believer in God and though I am not, I see the strength her faith has given her.

For my dad... the loss of his sight means the loss of mobility for him and my mom. She doesn't drive anymore. He is the grocery-getter, the church-driver, the one with wheels. But his vision is failing. We knew this would come and it has crept in ever-so-slowly but unfailingly. Or rather, failingly. He is not seeing the lines on the highways as well, nor turn arrows on stoplights. If he can't drive, who will?

Deep breath. Hold the space. Let them be who and where they are. Don't add my grief and suffering to theirs. Be strong, be true, be there for them.

PS - Re: Open Heart. My new weight lifting routine is the BEST! I had Gemini make it and I love farmer carries, tricep dips... putting on Queen and Nirvana and killin it. Fills me back up!

2026 Resolution: Open Heart

Sunrise hikes make me think. Today my Jetboil brewed up my coffee and my mind brewed up my 2026 resolution.

1) Open heart. That's my theme. Open heart for my sisters - those beautiful women with whom I share DNA that evidences itself in over-exercising and covert competition. I want to shake that petty larceny of siblinghood, the part of me that feels like it "won" Christmas break because I could play guitar and teach my nieces and make my mama call to tell me she's proud. And that's the bottom of it - winning her is winning all. Dummy. One would think 54 years old would be enough to have learned. Stealing from my sisters is no victory at all. I don't have my brain completely around the alternative, but I can glimpse it and I want it. Open heart.

2) I want to express an open heart toward myself too. Accepting this life I have. Because sometimes I rue. Rue not having children and the clear cut path of life that gives you. I can get very easily into the "what I don't have." I want to reframe it. What I do have: I am the woman who climbs 13ers, who teaches kids, who cuddles my nieces, who hikes at sunrise, who sits on a log in 3AM wilderness looking at uncountable stars. So too are my blessings. Uncountable.

3) Open heart for what I can do with my talents. I am good at creating a space for others. I do it for my students and for my family. I want to do more of that... more massage of my mom's aching neck, more guitar and singing with my nieces, more helping my nephew seek creating art for a high versus using drugs, more connections with my students. I want to inspire.

4) Ageing. Open heart for it. I have been kicking at the ageing of my face, the slowing of my body. Silly yet profound too. I have NEVER been the kind to cosmetically enhance anything, but I find myself thinking hard about Botox for the wrinkle in my forehead. I am at war with myself. I want to age naturally and gracefully, but I also want to look damn good. Who knew I had this huge vein of vanity!?! 

5) Keeping myself feeling good. I can't train at the level I used to. I can't go as hard or as long. I get worn out and my fingers flare up with arthritis. Acceptance for where I'm at - arthritic fingers and all. Kick at what I can though. I want a weight training routine to replace climbing (until and if I can figure out the arthritis) that I do 3x per week. I want to write here 2-3x per week. And play guitar 20 minutes daily. I want to get out on sunrise hikes and ski in the mountains' snow. I know that is what refills me and makes me able to visualize how it should be. Be it resolved - open heart. And my blog posts will center around how this plays out in 2026.